Are these things working?

Nope… they (my psych meds) aren’t. I will try my best to explain.

This has been an exceptionally hard couple of weeks for me. The psych meds I have been on for the past year and a half have stopped working. My mental roller coaster of cycling is far more rapid than anyone can keep track of, myself included. Of course, some days are better than others, and I can keep a handle on myself. Other days, those chronic pain ridden days are the ones that I struggle the most with.

I’ll go over the past couple days for you, so if you don’t happen to know anyone who is rapid-cycling bipolar, you might be able to get a glimpse of what it is like, and for all intents and purposes unmedicated…

On Friday Feb 15th I struggled to get my morning meds, and getting out of bed. I didn’t want to get up. The thought of just curling up under my heated electric blanket and going back to sleep was pulling at me so hard I almost gave in. But then, I thought about the art therapy group, and its leader Casey, and how I had made an agreement to all of them that I was committed to the group for the entire semester. As I wasn’t sick, I felt I couldn’t really call in, and I had missed the Friday before due to a nasty snowstorm we had been hit with… So, I dragged myself out of bed, got clothing on, while Robyn made me up a coffee drink to take with me, handing me keys while sending me out the door. I cried a bit on the way, turned on the music to try to cover up my own thoughts, and tried to take in the snow covered trees as I drove by them. As I stopped at the red glow of the traffic lights, I’d look more carefully at how the limbs and branches were formed, and how elegantly they seemed to hold that snow still sitting on the narrow finger-like branches. I needed to formulate how I was going to be making my 3D tree…

Saturday was more of the same. In fact, I spent most of the day in bed…

Some days like that Sunday, I was able to be out all day, spending the first six hours of it with my 95 year old grandmother, and wife Robyn. We stopped at my folk’s on the way home, and were invited to stay for dinner, so of course we stayed 🙂 Mom was making calzones for dinner. They were quite yummy. We were with them until after 10pm.

The day flew by even though I could feel my internal struggle of keeping even for those around me. I knew I had to keep as even as I could manage. Our visit last time had not gone all that well with Grandma, and I didn’t want a repeat there of…

I can only tell you now that on that particular day those weeks ago, that I was cycling- and in the worst way, because I was not able to control it and not being receptive enough to figure it our on my own.

To follow up on those few days, and medications. After being given an RX for meds that were to large for me to swallow (Literally too big, and because they were extended release, wasn’t able to break them down any). Robyn spent that Friday and then the following Monday and Tuesday on and off the phone with my doctor and the pharmacist. They finally pulled through with a new script. This one they call “Depakote Sprinkles.” They are meant for kids, so I have to take 8 of them. I have to open each capsule and put it in a bowl, then add applesauce to eat them. As long as I don’t bite down on any of those nonpareils type sprinkles everything is okay. If I forget…they are very bitter!

No matter how I take those meds, it was Robyn I have to thank for making the pharmacist/doctors work to get me a new RX. On my own I’d not have been able to do it.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Patricia
    Feb 23, 2013 @ 19:55:19

    Thank you for explaining some of your inner feelings and turmoil that occur when you are cycling. It is very hard for others to understand, and your very specific comments are helpful. Thank you for being so open.
    After suffering from depression for several years and finally getting treatment for it, I happened to come across author William Styron’s book “Darkness Visible”. It is a very small book, but articulates the feelings I had been unable to explain or express. When I handed it to my husband to read, he finally understood how I was feeling inside. He was better able to support me when he understood a bit.
    I’m glad you have Robyn be there for you.


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